Bush Fairview L-Desk, Black

Desk Jockey Al writes:

Another one from the Bush brand. The Bush Fairview L-Desk, Black, costs $300- that's $230 less than their previous entry, the Bush Venture Corner Solution Desk. take a good look at this desk, people: this is a pretty solid entry. This is how it should be done. It's got a nice look; attractive but not fancy. Two colors for some decent contrast. The drawers have good handles, and I'm not sure what you call those raised inner borders, but I like 'em. There you can also see a combination mouse and keyboard shelf to keep the surface of the desk clean- apparently that's also a pencil drawer that's converted into said shelf by flipping down one section of the wall. For once I can see nothing here I'd really take issue with.

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:

Normally I'm not too crazy about L-desks, but this one has a Wild West feel to it which beneficially overpowers the otherwise droll shape and surface. Just look at those drawers and that cabinet! It's like I'm storing my iPod charger in a cast iron vault. That part, I like. The top however is just so flat, not so much as a mesa or a tumbleweed or even a dehydrated cow skull in sight. The desolation is quietly horrifying.

Machismo

DJAl: The black-and-brown contrast brings an earthy, primal sort of feeling to this desk: who cares about fancy cherry wood-colored stain or glass? Hell no: you want yours black. You've got your European hinges, your files are bursting to go, you're on a mission and God help whoever gets in your way. -8-

DJDaniel: This is the kind of desk you keep a shotgun in. Just a sawed-off one, though. The bottom part starts making a strong statement and then it's just literally sawed-off halfway up. A manly man needs some pie up high as well as some show down low. ...ew....you can pretend I didn't say that if you want... -6-

Timelessness

DJAl: This is as timeless as it gets, people. Well, maybe not really. It could do with a few more drawers and maybe a second tier, but hell, this thing will be passed from father to son to grandson, the numerous pen markings and etching on top not graffiti but battle scars. -8-

DJDaniel: I have to say, the elements of this desk are so tried and true that there's not much that could be lost in translation. Except the PC tower cabinet! Bam. Points off. That's how I roll. -7-

Verve

DJAl: This goes where the BVCSD didn't: it doesn't try a fancy name to boost up the verve. It uses wonderful two-tone color aesthetics, has those fancy doo-dads on the drawers, and an intricate pencil drawer for a hint of complexity. -5-

DJDaniel: I must agree with DJAl, there's an appealing solidarity to this desk which merits a tip of my Winchester. Saddle up, paper-pusher. -6-

FINAL RATING = 6.7/10

A fair view indeed, in front and behind.

No Post- Happy Thanksgiving from the Desk Jockeys!

Unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce unce

Citadel Corner Desk With USB Hub, Espresso

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:
When I first laid eyes upon this desk, it was as if it was daring me to critique it. Look at it, rising almost heretically high in it's sleek and shiny boldness. Somehow, this desk is not a desk. I can't imagine it in an office or a den; rather, it seems like it should be completely alone in the center of a dimly lit room with a polished obsidian floor. The desk is softly illuminated in blue by hidden lights. It seems to glow with power, waiting for the world's foremost industrial trance composer to step up to it in his platform shoes and sparkling bedazzled vest, and with a few keystrokes by his long black fingernails fill the room with resounding, post-postmodern rhythms.

Obviously, not a desk for everyone.

Desk Jockey Al writes:
Yeah, that thing looks more like somebody's home theater TV setup than an actual desk.  But what gets me about this desk is the bottom.  You know, where- with a normal desk- it'd be nothing but floor.  That, combined with the strange trapezoidal design of the desk itself, makes me wonder just how comfortable it must be to sit there.  You can't really move your chair directly to the desk, you're kinda stuck far away from the desk with that enclosed design.  That just can't be good for your posture.  What I'm really wondering, though, is where do you put the CPU for your computer?  With that bottom to the desk, you can't put it down there.  The strange shape of the desk means you'd have put it on the floor next to it.  That's not so big of a problem for me, but it is for some other people.  Note there's no CPU in the picture, either.

Whereas Daniel sees something post-modern and European, I've got a different view.  It's like whoever designed this desk did so without any knowledge of modern computers or human anatomy.  This is kind of what North Koreans would put in their fake display apartments that they show to Western photographers to impress them.  "Look at us, look how modern we are!  Please don't notice the fact there's no CPU, no way to properly use the desk, and nothing's plugged in!  Glorious love to our leader Kim Jong Il, may he snack on the heads of a thousand perfect white doves!"

Machismo:
DJDaniel: This strikes me as a very asexual desk. While I appreciate its daring, its androgyny doesn't do wonders for its machismo score. -4-

DJAl:  It's hard to feel very powerful when you were assigned this desk by our great leader, Kim Jong Il, who once drove a Ford Festiva across the Sea of China for world peace.  -2-

Timelessness:
 DJDaniel: Avant garde though it is, the design principles are pretty solid. I think it will hold up fairly well, considering its type-A personality. -5-

DJAl:  Further investigation finds some interesting tidbits:  namely this thing is made entirely out of cheap plastic, based on some reviews on OfficeDepot's website.  That, combined with the weird lower-body layout and its unconventional design makes me think this thing is utter, total crap.  -1-

Verve:
 DJDaniel: "Meine Musik mag diese Schreibtisch. Meine Musik braucht diese Schreibtisch." -8-

DJAl:  This is a lot like a Communist propaganda poster:  pretty attractive art and design, but ultimately trying to support a failing and flawed proposition.  -7-

FINAL RATING = 4.5/10

Citadel Corner Desk:  Fallenlassen der phat nordkoreanischen beatmusik.

Sauder Computer Desk in Dark Alder Finish

Desk Jockey Al writes:

We'll kick off this particular Desk Critique by informing everyone that this is our first official request, courtesy of my little sister Janina! When she moved to her UniTown, she moved sans desk; we did some computer shopping together and investigated local places only to find most desks in the area weren't exactly too hot. She got this after I left back for home. I've gotta say, she's got good taste. On top of the nice coloration (and it doesn't pretend that it's actually Dark Alder, take that, Bush Venture), it's a nice little working desk. Plenty of drawers to stash things in, a two-tier work surface- three if you count the keyboard drawer, and lots of little nooks. My only real problem is the CPU caddy: I've never liked the things, I think they get in the way of your legs too much. I'm one of those people that tend to sprawl out, so my CPU is always on the outside of my desk. Another word, though: keyboard drawers often break or don't work the way you'd like, so watch out, Janina.

Other things to consider: Way to go, Sauder. I don't mean that sarcastically. Not only is this little gem $170, but Sauder actually gives its dimensions and a nice blueprint on the website. Sometimes the intangibles go a long way.

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:

This is the desk that says, "I'm too cool for college," while fitting easily into a college dorm and a college budget. I Like This Desk. It's defiant, but not obnoxiously so. It's like, "I don't need a tattoo or a Mohawk to prove myself to you. In fact, I don't even need to wear contacts. I'm going to wear my glasses instead, because I'm smarter than you, and everyone knows it."

Despite its arrogant charm however, this desk is small, a unavoidable quandary which has filled me with emotional turmoil. I know that not everyone can have a big desk. But everyone should!

MACHISMO

DJAl: I'm really liking how it's rocking the multiple-tier look. Screams "multitasker" to me. It's small, compact, powerful, a little dynamo-desk; a person who owns this desk is aiming for more space in their corner office and wants you to know it. Unfortunately, however, this'll never be seen in a corner office for one reason: the multiple-tier look means you can't effectively look at someone on the other side. That means this is a desk for someone who's always got someone looking over their shoulder in an office environment. For home environment, fine, but... encouraging someone to stare over your shoulder is a definite knock to the machismo. -6-

DJDaniel: Look Sauder Computer Desk, you're a great desk, really, you are. I would be happy to have you as a friend's desk any day. And I know that you're going to make someone out there with short legs and good organization skills very happy. It's just that... I need a desk with depth, and height, and width. You understand. I knew you would. -5-

TIMELESSNESS

DJAl: When I look at this desk, I'm reminded of an accountant's desk. Namely, one of the accountants from Monty Python's Terry Gilliam's sketch, The Crimson Permanent Assurance. This look very... British, 19th century British accountant, almost something you'd expect Bob Cratchit to be huddled over in A Christmas Carol. Sure, it's a lot less ornamental and made of cheaper wood, but it looks classic enough for me. The only reason the score isn't higher is I'm wondering about the quality of the wood and how long it'd actually physically last. -7-

DJDaniel: It's uncanny; when I first laid eyes on that desk I thought exactly the same thoughts as DJAl. We're like two birds in a bush, plotting on how to disgrace and destroy the bird in hand. I shall give the desk an additional point in good faith. After all, it's the worker's responsibility to make sure such a beautiful yet tragically small desk does not decay. -8-

VERVE

DJAl: Multiple tiers? Several nooks and crannies? Nice little... I dunno, do you call it fluting?... on the legs? Sign me up. Points are detracted for the asymmetrical look due to the CPU caddy, but damn if that isn't an attractive desk. ... Man, why am I noticing the fluting on the legs? Does this mean... does this mean I'm... everything I know is a lie, EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE -7-

DJDaniel: Come come now, a real man can appreciate good fluting. Such delicate legs on this desk. I would give this desk to my daughter. Even if she was just coloring with crayons on it or writing in her anonymous online journal about her forbidden dreams of anthrocide at it, I know it would be enriching her life every single second. Oh my daughter, stay small and slight of frame, that you might sit at this desk forever. -7-

Final Rating = 6.7/10

Good taste, little sis!

OFM 66-Series Table/Desk With Pencil Drawers

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:

OFM? Oh F me...

65 iterations in the series prior to this, and the best you can do is a table-slash-desk? "But wait, it has pencil drawers!" What is this, seventh grade? In fact, I think that's exactly what this is. This looks like it was cobbled together out of the debris of other crappy desks in some seventh grade shop -ahem- industrial arts class.

Everything about this hermaphroditic piece of furniture is an insult to desks everywhere. It rolls around on wheels. WRONG. The drawers are super shallow, unable to contain several layers of clutter. WRONG. It's small enough to easily get into your car. WRONG! You can't even handcuff a person to this piece of junk!

Desk Jockey Al writes:

I dunno, I gotta disagree a little with Daniel here. Not a lot, mind you. This thing does not belong in any office, anywhere. There's no reason, at all, that any desk should ever have wheels, ever. But for some reason, the desk is growing on me. This, right here, is a sterling example of multipurpose engineering. Desk? I suppose, in a pinch. But it also makes a handy kitchen island! Maybe a nice little hobby work bench! At 55" wide, you can do some do-it-yourself surgery... or all of them at once! And with the special laminated top has a special feature not mentioned in OfficeDepot's website, and this is very very important: the steel and laminated wood covering doesn't hold DNA evidence.

And that's why this table/desk ensemble is $430.99.

MACHISMO

DJDaniel: This desk's only saving grace is the fact that you could throw it at someone in a fit of rage. -3-

DJAl: Daniel summed that up rather succinctly, but I have this to add: Wheels, man. That subconsciously says: you are a man on the GO, not tied to any office. Wherever you rest your desk is home! -4-

TIMELESSNESS

DJDaniel: It's almost like they designed this desk to look like it was donated to an inner-city school twenty years ago. How do I reach these kids? -2-

DJAl: First it's a desk. Next it's a wonderful place to do your cooking. Then, ten years from now, it'll be used to hold your old kitschy lamps at the garage sale. But at least it's useful for a lot of things. -4-

VERVE

DJDaniel: "The desk looked horrible. So we drilled a bunch of holes in the sides. Just to hear it scream." -1-

DJAl: If you showed this to my High School shop teacher (... well, not MINE, as I never took shop) he'd take one look at it, nod, and say "Well, that looks like a nice pile of shit you've got there". If my paternal grandfather, a professional carpenter, were still alive, he'd probably only comment on this two years after you showed it to him. Then, he'd just say "Wasn't that around when I blacked out that one time and woke up with blood on my hands, up my nose, and splashed on the ceiling?" If it was possible, I'd give this desk a 0, if only because the Hansen Cherry desk is marginally better than this. -1-

Final Rating = 2.5/10

A little tip, OFM: 66 is NOT a good number to attach to anything you want to sell, it's just asking for trouble.

Bush Venture Corner Solution Desk, Hansen Cherry

Desk Jockey Al writes:
Well, here's a more traditional-looking desk. Clocking in at $530 bucks at OfficeMax, the Bush Venture Corner Solution Desk (henceforth referred to as the BVCSD) is a stunning display of modern capitalism. The BVCSD looks like something you'd buy to outfit a dorm room. It looks like it was designed for Walmart by Walmart, using materials from Big Lots. I can only imagine that the massive price is dictated by the "Hansen Cherry" description. Maybe it's just some kind of fantastic wood? So, in a fit of curiousity, I looked up Hansen Cherry... which botanists instead know as Hansen's Bush Cherry or Nanking Cherry, which at its tallest gets to be about 12 feet. That's not a lot of wood to work with here, people. Further investigation found that this is just normal wood, colored cherry. So, you don't really get what you pay for here.

All I'm saying is that if I buy a desk that looks like that for $530, it better be made out of the god-damned Giving Tree.

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:
The name "Bush Venture" seems to suggest that the desk is intended to make you feel like you're out in the thick, hunting the elusive meeting minutes in your forest camo belt and tie. Like many wood grain patterned desks however, it misses one essential fact: WOOD IS NOT SHINY.

Look at that thing, polished to a fine sheen. It's so shiny and smooth... and hard... and long... and able to support the weight of your wife as you lift her onto it, her fingernails tearing through your button-down shirt with canine hunger...

Hmm, I think I know what they meant by "Bush Venture" now. In fact, this is one Hansen Cherry that I'd like to bust...

MACHISMO

DJAl: Well, this is standard. You can slam things on it, it doesn't look particularly threatening but it looks solid. You can certainly feel professional with all those little hutches and such attached to it too. I'm giving this a nice solid score. - 6 -

DJDaniel: If my innuendo is too subtle for you, then the type of desk you want is the kind with a book rack under the plastic seat. -8-

TIMELESSNESS

DJAl: This is a boring design, but it's the special kind of boring that LASTS. Sixty years from now, your kid's coworker will look at that desk and say, "Hey, did you get a new desk from Big Lots?" - 7 -

DJDaniel: It's pretty safe as long as humans continue to build everything at right angles. -5-

VERVE

DJAl: It's hard to have less verve than this desk. Even attempts at sassing it up with HANSEN CHERRY fall flat. - 1 -

DJDaniel: Though I agree with DJAl, I'm giving it an extra point for the way it fogs up when a woman's hot, fertile body is pressed against it. -2-

FINAL RATING = 4.8 / 10

A little imagination goes a long way, Bush Venture Co.

Brenton Studio Evanti Collection L-Desk

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:

L-Desk? Does the L stand for LAME?

Honestly, what are we saying here? "I enjoy surfing the net while nestled uncomfortably in the crook of a frozen Tetris block." Ugh, it's so Siberian!

I never got the appeal of the glass desk surface. Things that are transparent are only as pretty or functional as what is seen through them. What's the draw here? "Finally, my phobia of people stealing my shoes while I work can be put at ease. Ooh, and it smudges so delicately with every caress of my Fritolay-christened fingertips..."

Desk Jockey Al writes:

Brenton Studio Evanti Collection L-Desk.

Look at that name.

Look at it.

Now, take a good long look at the desk itself. It's pretentious. It's trying, oh so very hard, to convince you that somewhere, somehow, some famous Italian guy writes on one of these desks. It screams out into the void of office life futilely. The desk designers all huddle together over their drafts of the desk, talking and whispering, dreaming of the day that someone would walk up and say of the desk "Is that a genuine Brenton Studio Evanti Collection?!" in the same way one might say "Is that a limited edition Armani?!"Sadly, they decide to release it to OfficeMax. In a way, this is like like trying to sell a genuine Harley imitation in Azerbaijan. Not only do they not really know what a Harley is, but the chances of them caring are negligible.

Brand names aside, I have to agree with DJDaniel: this whole glass desk surface thing has to go. Not only does it look like it'll break the first time your overweight, sweaty boss tries to lean on it to engage you in conversation, but try to imagine this:

You walk in one morning to your corner office. Your desk is in disarray, as usual, the tension bars to your ultra-modern Brenton Studio Evanti Collection L-Desk unfashionably bent from where you unwisely rested your legs one lazy Friday. The small, sparse desk awaits your presence, and you sit down to notice oh my God, what the hell, are those handpr... WAIT, what the hell is that smudge, oh my god, are those your boss's handprints, and your secre...

And then you gingerly sit down, tallying up your expense totals. Your desk cost you $199.99 at Officemax, no money for shipping, and approximately $200 in Purel and Windex.

MACHISMO

DJDaniel: If I can't smash my fist on it without worrying about shattering my entire work area, this is not a good desk. - 4 -

DJAl: This is a very powerful desk... if you're of the right mindset. Only the very douchiest of douches can pull off using this desk and looking powerful. It's like how some animals in the animal kingdom can get away with wearing bright colors in the middle of the forest: no sir, you do NOT want to mess with me. There are two types of people who will have this desk, one the clueless sheep who wants to appear edgy, and the other a fast, lean shark. They certainly won't look back when buying this desk, no sir, sharks don't have necks so they can't look back. Don't mess with a man who can use this desk. If not for its blatant wussiness, this desk would paradoxically have a lower score than it does. - 5 -

TIMELESSNESS

DJDaniel: Yeah, the whole shiny silver metal thing is going to look about as good as the spaceship from "This Island Earth" in ten years. - 3 -

DJAl: In five years, this desk will look like the windshield of a 1988 Buick LeSabre, just with less bug guts and more handprints. And that's to say nothing of the dubious-looking support structure. Give me good old-fashioned wood anyday. - 2 -

VERVE

DJDaniel: "Okay, I got it: a rectangle! How's that? No? Needs something else? Um....how-a-bout....another rectangle! At a right angle to the first rectangle! Yes! It will go perfectly with my super thick frame glasses!" - 2 -

DJAl: This looks like how someone would design erotic underwear: spare, see-through, and with strange straps in strange places. For the everyday sexually repressed worker, this must be stylish as all hell. - 4 -

FINAL RATING = 3.3 / 10

Keep working your way through the alphabet, Brenton Studio. I'm sure one of those letters will work.

Desk Jockey Daniel on the MTV Scoring System

For additional clarity's sake, I'd also like to take a moment to express how I view our rating system. We rate desks in three dimensions on a scale of 1 to 10. But what exactly makes a desk a 1 or a 10? The best way to explain it is by example.

Machismo score 1 - This desk could probably be purchased at the Hello Kitty Store. Ask them if you can have it in Chococat.

Machismo score 10 - Chuck Norris uses this desk to see how much money the IRS owes him in taxes every year.

Timelessness score 1 - This desk stopped looking good approximately halfway through its assembly. Dismayed, you threw away the instructions and desperately tried to rearrange the rest of the pieces.

Timelessness score 10 - You will put this desk in your burial chamber so you can continue using it in the next life.

Verve score 1 - You put this desk in a cardboard box and gave it to the Goodwill Store. They kept the box, and threw away the desk.

Verve score 10 - This desk is sitting in a safe house somewhere, next to a box of armor-piercing bullets and several stolen Picassos.

Desk Jockey Al on the MTV Scoring System

For clarity's sake, I'd like to take a moment to express how I view our rating system. We rate desks in three dimensions on a scale of 1 to 10. But what exactly makes a desk a 1 or a 10? The best way to explain it is by example.

Machismo score 1 - Machismo is all about power and exerting your will on things behind the desk and in front of it. Machismo score 1 makes you less powerful for even being in the same building as this desk. This desk is the office albatross, condemning whoever lives behind it to an eternity of wimpy powerlessness.

Machismo score 10 - If you have seen farther, it is because you stand on the shoulders of giants. Well, this desk is what the giant is standing behind.

Timelessness score 1 - Certain fads fade over time: pogs, bell-bottom jeans, Smell-O-Vision. This desk faded before it even hit the point where it should be popular. This desk is so passe it actually makes you nostalgic for the pet rock days. If you buy it, you're almost certainly a hipster.

Timelessness score 10 - If you were to put this desk in front of a 19th century oil baron, he'd nod in appreciation for its classic beauty. This is the kind of desk you leave for your grandchildren to use. This is the kind of desk that Presidents sit behind.

Verve score 1 - There's a fine line between pragmatic and boring. This is a desk that makes a pile of cinder blocks and plywood look interesting.

Verve score 10 - Every line is a symphony. Every bit of it is a work of art. Not only is it designed properly, but it's designed to look good. A man sitting behind it becomes Humphrey Bogart, a woman becomes Audrey Hepburn.

Testing

Blog is up.