EXPEDIT Workstation

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:
 DJAl found such a nice desk last time that I was determined to find a pirate treasure chest-esque work surface of my own. So I went to Ikea, thinking, "They have nice furniture, right?" And there is where this desk found me. It stared at me, I stared at it, it stared at me, I stared at it, it stared at me, I blinked, and it won. It's cool gaze seemed to command me to critique it. Yet, I am almost at a loss for words. When I open my mouth to say something about this desk, only question marks come out.

Okay, let's deconstruct it. Obviously, someone sawed a white desk in half, and then attached it to a white bookshelf. That seems simple enough. But this thing is somehow so much more and less than the sum of its parts. The desk part is so indifferently nondescript that it doesn't even care which side you put your chair on, and most of the bookshelf is useless because there is now a freakin' half a desk in the way. It's like this desk sits in your office, eternally daring you to do something useful with it. And all that comes out of your mouth in reply are question marks.

For some ineffable reason, I can't just come out and condemn this desk the way I have so many others. I think I'm afraid of it. There's an ominous feeling in the room with me that seems to suggest that if I simply dismiss this object as an awful desk then it will somehow take its revenge on me.

I think this desk was built by the Thule Society.

Desk Jockey Al writes:
I... I just... what.  I...

...

What.  I can't... I don't even...  It's from hell!  It's from heh-heh-heh-helllllllllllllllllllllll!

Just when I thought we'd scraped the bottom of the barrel three times, then looked up and ascended a space elevator to heaven, DJDaniel whips THIS out on me.  I'm going to dedicate this paragraph to cursing his name.  Damn you, DJDaniel.  Damn you to Desk Hell for this.  This is yet another monstrosity you've forced the world to recognize.  Don't you understand, man?  Putting them on this site gives them an identity and with an identity they gain power, dreadful power that gives them the secrets of italics and making my eyes bleed.

Alright.  Alright, DJAl, sustain, keep it together.  Start at the basics.  It's $250, people.  Lemme just get that out there.  $250.  Did I mention the site says it can be used as a room divider- a room divider with convenient holes your roomie can stick his or her hands through to strangle you for picking this desk?  Or that it looks like the right side of the desk itself looks like it'll snap off if you lean on it too hard- like most IKEA stuff?

You know, though, I think I actually get what the creator was trying to do here.  It was obviously made for crazy cat ladies.  This desk here is a cat's dream.  Attach stuff you buy to PetsMart to make the ultimate crazy cat-woman kitty condo!  She can watch her cats stare at her from her desk as she sits with a type-writer, writing her next children's classic, "The Twenty-Five Cats and the Waffle Iron".

Machismo
DJDaniel: It's hard to imagine a man sitting at this desk without him silently pleading to you with his eyes to save him. That is, a man with a soul. -2-

DJAl:  This is the kind of desk I expect someone bought for that poor kid in your high school who works for the family bowling alley.  And we all know who that poor kid has anti-power.  Put him in the same room as, say, Donald Trump, and the resulting blast will level an entire city.  -1-

Timelessness
DJDaniel: If robots ever wipe out humanity and inherit the Earth, they will probably use desks like this one. We must not let that happen. -1-

DJAl:  DJDaniel, don't be silly.  Robots not only wouldn't use desks, but the desks they wouldn't use would be stainless steel with four legs:  simple and pragmatic.  Any robot caught designing this desk would be sent right to the slag-factory because it's clearly defective.  This looks like something Johnny-Five would make to prove the fact that he's alive... but we all know deep in our hearts he's not.  -1-

Verve
DJDaniel: How does it gaze at me without eyes? HOW, DAMN IT?! -3-

DJAl:  For all its hideousness and strange designs, it has personality.  The kind of personality you'd expect to be liberally splashed with mysterious red fluid every couple of weeks, when the moon is full and the night wraiths whisper that time is short. -3-

FINAL SCORE = 1.83/10

The EXPEDIT Workstation is a Single White Desk, which enjoys cats, waffles, bowling, and beekeeping, as well as community theater.  The EXPEDIT Workstation works at the local post office, where it sings quietly to itself in a high-pitched voice while cleaning its shotgun.