Universal Furniture Contessa Executive Desk in Old World Cherry

Desk Jockey Al writes:

After the last three horrible half-desk abortions, I decided it was time to review something a bit nicer. Something that wouldn't make our eyes bleed. Something that wouldn't cause us to wake up in a cold sweat, muttering about pencil drawers. Something that cost $1900 ($1000, on sale, until December 13!) but was actually worth the cash. So, I found this: The Universal Furniture Contessa Executive Desk in Old World Cherry.

Look at this sucker. See those flowers and that wussy lamp? Yeah, that's like someone tried to defang a snake to make it cuter. No, this is a manly, raw desk, seething with unholy power, its name the only thing holding it back from utter domination of the Desk world. I look at this desk and I honestly can't see any real flaws. Maybe, just maybe, it could use a bigger drawer here and there... but then again, why would it need it? This isn't a secretary's desk. This is a boss's desk. The boss isn't going to do any filing, that's what the lower minions are for. Those are for holding land deeds, or maps of the railroad about to go through the small impoverished town. This desk is meant to intimidate those in front of it and empower those behind it. There should be a button near the pencil drawer that summons security or opens a trap door.

God, I love this desk. I love it so much. All other desks are a pale shadow, cast by this desk, which has descended from a higher order universe to grace ours. I know I can't have it- besides the money issue, it's too powerful. Power attracts the corruptible, and this desk corrupted me the moment I set eyes on it. I can't have it. I must not have it.

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:

Acceptable alternate names would be "Oil Baron's Delight", "Louisiana Purchasing Power", and "Die Bismark".

Now I'm not really the corruptible type (sure I'll pacify the indigenous population, but I'll still leave them a hefty percentage of autonomy... of sorts) but the raw power of this desk still appeals to me, the same way a pacifist can still admire a shelf full of shotguns in a sporting goods store (I did that yesterday). At first, this desk irked me by obviously making no accommodation for modern computer technology, but then I realized, why would I need a computer at this desk? If I owned this desk I would not be spending very much time working at it, why, I would be out shooting bears with my young son, of course. Or redrawing the map of southeast Asia with my teen-aged daughter. You know, basic Rich Dad Poor Dad stuff.

Machismo

DJ Al: Know what this desk reminds me of? A line from Once Upon A Time in the West. "How does it feel sitting behind that desk, Frank?" "Almost like holding a gun... only much more powerful." Too bad about the word Contessa in the name, though. -9-

DJDaniel: The proper ornamentation for this desk is a supple brunette in a green silk dress. No, she's not the secretary. She's the bodyguard. Now what we need are some locks on the drawers. -9-

Timelessness

DJAl: This is some pretty old world design, here, and it's made to last. Look at that, solid wood, solid design, drawers all over the place... if there was a gunfight, this would be the desk I'd hide behind. And once I fight off the attackers, I'll still be able to type an incident report on it. People will ask why I don't get a new desk, because this one's obviously wrecked, right? And I'd reply, "Bullets can't kill it, bullets only make it angry." -10-

DJDaniel: I could honestly imagine any billionaire happily sitting behind this desk. Bill Gates, the Google guys, that Facebook kid, the hombre who owns half of Mexico, Willy Wonka, etc. Probably whoever invents cold fusion or unifies South America in the distant future will also want a desk like this. It is indeed, timeless. -10-

Verve

DJ Al: Elegance. Charm. Sheer style. The only problem is that in order to own this desk, you have to show you deserve it first. That means top hat, waxed curly moustache, and brandy and cigars in the bottom left drawer. And the bottom right? Well, that one holds the revolver you use for hunting the most dangerous game. -9-

DJDaniel: I must agree with my colleague concerning the desk's essential problem. While it's true that I would happily stow an M1911 .45 pistol, a satchel of grenades, and a vial of holy water in the various drawers of this desk, I could not sit behind it without feeling somewhat ridiculous until I was at least fifty years old. In fact, I think the desk might actually age me if I sat behind it before it was my time. It would be like the false Holy Grail from The Last Crusade. I'm okay with aging, but not quite that fast. -8-

FINAL SCORE = 9.2/10

You have chosen... wisely. But, beware: the Desk cannot pass beyond the Great Seal, for that is the boundary, and the price, of immortality.