Bush Venture Corner Solution Desk, Hansen Cherry

Desk Jockey Al writes:
Well, here's a more traditional-looking desk. Clocking in at $530 bucks at OfficeMax, the Bush Venture Corner Solution Desk (henceforth referred to as the BVCSD) is a stunning display of modern capitalism. The BVCSD looks like something you'd buy to outfit a dorm room. It looks like it was designed for Walmart by Walmart, using materials from Big Lots. I can only imagine that the massive price is dictated by the "Hansen Cherry" description. Maybe it's just some kind of fantastic wood? So, in a fit of curiousity, I looked up Hansen Cherry... which botanists instead know as Hansen's Bush Cherry or Nanking Cherry, which at its tallest gets to be about 12 feet. That's not a lot of wood to work with here, people. Further investigation found that this is just normal wood, colored cherry. So, you don't really get what you pay for here.

All I'm saying is that if I buy a desk that looks like that for $530, it better be made out of the god-damned Giving Tree.

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:
The name "Bush Venture" seems to suggest that the desk is intended to make you feel like you're out in the thick, hunting the elusive meeting minutes in your forest camo belt and tie. Like many wood grain patterned desks however, it misses one essential fact: WOOD IS NOT SHINY.

Look at that thing, polished to a fine sheen. It's so shiny and smooth... and hard... and long... and able to support the weight of your wife as you lift her onto it, her fingernails tearing through your button-down shirt with canine hunger...

Hmm, I think I know what they meant by "Bush Venture" now. In fact, this is one Hansen Cherry that I'd like to bust...

MACHISMO

DJAl: Well, this is standard. You can slam things on it, it doesn't look particularly threatening but it looks solid. You can certainly feel professional with all those little hutches and such attached to it too. I'm giving this a nice solid score. - 6 -

DJDaniel: If my innuendo is too subtle for you, then the type of desk you want is the kind with a book rack under the plastic seat. -8-

TIMELESSNESS

DJAl: This is a boring design, but it's the special kind of boring that LASTS. Sixty years from now, your kid's coworker will look at that desk and say, "Hey, did you get a new desk from Big Lots?" - 7 -

DJDaniel: It's pretty safe as long as humans continue to build everything at right angles. -5-

VERVE

DJAl: It's hard to have less verve than this desk. Even attempts at sassing it up with HANSEN CHERRY fall flat. - 1 -

DJDaniel: Though I agree with DJAl, I'm giving it an extra point for the way it fogs up when a woman's hot, fertile body is pressed against it. -2-

FINAL RATING = 4.8 / 10

A little imagination goes a long way, Bush Venture Co.