Sauder Laurel Canyon Trestle Bar with Stool, Espresso

Desk Jockey Al writes:

Oh, Sauder. How could you do this to us? At first we thought you were a company that Got It, and then our confidence was horrifically shaken by that damn armoire. Then as I searched for more of your desks on OfficeMax's website, I came across this. Dammit, Sauder, I can't take it! First you're good, then you're horrifically bad, then you're bad again! I just can't deal with this, but yet I keep on coming back, again and again!

I mean, take a look. This little ensemble describes itself as having a "large and spacious" workspace, along with a nice convenient pencil drawer. I dunno, that thing doesn't look very large and spacious to me (though I'm assured it's around 4 feet wide). At first I wasn't even going to consider this a desk- it looks more like a TV dinner tray- but then my eyes fixated on the price. $250. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Compare that price to the Fairview, one of the better desks we've reviewed. Would you pay $250 for this?

It's boring. It's small. The fact that it comes with a stool is inconsequential, as the stool looks less like someplace you'd sit and more like a tool used by the Spanish Inquisition. Torquemada invented this desk to punish heretical writers. "You shall sit here, and write 'I will not spread heresy' a thousand times, unless you confess!" "No! Not the Sauder Laurel Canyon Trestle Bar with Stool! I confess!"

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:

You don't buy this desk, at least... not with money. Rather, this desk is given to you by the one-eyed warden of the Vietmanese POW camp you're living in after you betray the escape plans of your fellow emaciated pilots. So what if those jerks stop tapping messages to you in morse code? You've got a desk!

This desk is so tiny and unimportant that you would only be able to do tiny and unimportant things at it. "Oh, I need to add that new pizza place to my address book." "Oh, I need to comb the sand in my desktop zen garden." "Oh, I need to add another pin to my voodoo doll of Shia Labeouf." It's really only in the room as an ornament, like a suit of armor. A lame suit of armor.

Machismo

DJAl: Besides the fact that you should be shot for spending that much money on what amounts to a few scraps of wood, it's hard to have any sort of power when you can't fit on the seat that comes with it. I mean, look at the design of that stool. And no back to it... ugh. Bad posture can't be good for the machismo. -1-

DJDaniel: Here comes Dr. Tran! He's a REAL doctor! -2-

Timelessness

DJAl: I can actually see this lasting a long time, come to think of it. Much like the OFM-66 before it, it can handle a wide variety of roles that are unrelated to actually being used as a desk. The difference is that it's not as horrifically ugly, so I'd be more willing to keep it around the house as a $250 lightstand. -5-

DJDaniel: Great Grandpa found this in a Japanese tunnel on Iwo Jima. He threw away all the Shinto shrine stuff and used it to display the sword he found in a Japanese stomache on Iwo Jima. -4-

Verve

DJAl: This is boring, boring, boring. At least they attempt to make the chair look somewhat interesting, even though it ends up in direct defiance of that pesky little thing called "ergonomics". -2-

DJDaniel: On the contrary, the chair is very ergonomically designed. You cat will take one look at it and think, "Oh good, an elevated bed. It even comes with a platform from which to yell at bugs on the ceiling!" -4-

FINAL SCORE = 3/10

Usually it would be Farley's job to fall over and crush furnature, but this one we can leave to Spade.

EXPEDIT Workstation

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:
 DJAl found such a nice desk last time that I was determined to find a pirate treasure chest-esque work surface of my own. So I went to Ikea, thinking, "They have nice furniture, right?" And there is where this desk found me. It stared at me, I stared at it, it stared at me, I stared at it, it stared at me, I blinked, and it won. It's cool gaze seemed to command me to critique it. Yet, I am almost at a loss for words. When I open my mouth to say something about this desk, only question marks come out.

Okay, let's deconstruct it. Obviously, someone sawed a white desk in half, and then attached it to a white bookshelf. That seems simple enough. But this thing is somehow so much more and less than the sum of its parts. The desk part is so indifferently nondescript that it doesn't even care which side you put your chair on, and most of the bookshelf is useless because there is now a freakin' half a desk in the way. It's like this desk sits in your office, eternally daring you to do something useful with it. And all that comes out of your mouth in reply are question marks.

For some ineffable reason, I can't just come out and condemn this desk the way I have so many others. I think I'm afraid of it. There's an ominous feeling in the room with me that seems to suggest that if I simply dismiss this object as an awful desk then it will somehow take its revenge on me.

I think this desk was built by the Thule Society.

Desk Jockey Al writes:
I... I just... what.  I...

...

What.  I can't... I don't even...  It's from hell!  It's from heh-heh-heh-helllllllllllllllllllllll!

Just when I thought we'd scraped the bottom of the barrel three times, then looked up and ascended a space elevator to heaven, DJDaniel whips THIS out on me.  I'm going to dedicate this paragraph to cursing his name.  Damn you, DJDaniel.  Damn you to Desk Hell for this.  This is yet another monstrosity you've forced the world to recognize.  Don't you understand, man?  Putting them on this site gives them an identity and with an identity they gain power, dreadful power that gives them the secrets of italics and making my eyes bleed.

Alright.  Alright, DJAl, sustain, keep it together.  Start at the basics.  It's $250, people.  Lemme just get that out there.  $250.  Did I mention the site says it can be used as a room divider- a room divider with convenient holes your roomie can stick his or her hands through to strangle you for picking this desk?  Or that it looks like the right side of the desk itself looks like it'll snap off if you lean on it too hard- like most IKEA stuff?

You know, though, I think I actually get what the creator was trying to do here.  It was obviously made for crazy cat ladies.  This desk here is a cat's dream.  Attach stuff you buy to PetsMart to make the ultimate crazy cat-woman kitty condo!  She can watch her cats stare at her from her desk as she sits with a type-writer, writing her next children's classic, "The Twenty-Five Cats and the Waffle Iron".

Machismo
DJDaniel: It's hard to imagine a man sitting at this desk without him silently pleading to you with his eyes to save him. That is, a man with a soul. -2-

DJAl:  This is the kind of desk I expect someone bought for that poor kid in your high school who works for the family bowling alley.  And we all know who that poor kid has anti-power.  Put him in the same room as, say, Donald Trump, and the resulting blast will level an entire city.  -1-

Timelessness
DJDaniel: If robots ever wipe out humanity and inherit the Earth, they will probably use desks like this one. We must not let that happen. -1-

DJAl:  DJDaniel, don't be silly.  Robots not only wouldn't use desks, but the desks they wouldn't use would be stainless steel with four legs:  simple and pragmatic.  Any robot caught designing this desk would be sent right to the slag-factory because it's clearly defective.  This looks like something Johnny-Five would make to prove the fact that he's alive... but we all know deep in our hearts he's not.  -1-

Verve
DJDaniel: How does it gaze at me without eyes? HOW, DAMN IT?! -3-

DJAl:  For all its hideousness and strange designs, it has personality.  The kind of personality you'd expect to be liberally splashed with mysterious red fluid every couple of weeks, when the moon is full and the night wraiths whisper that time is short. -3-

FINAL SCORE = 1.83/10

The EXPEDIT Workstation is a Single White Desk, which enjoys cats, waffles, bowling, and beekeeping, as well as community theater.  The EXPEDIT Workstation works at the local post office, where it sings quietly to itself in a high-pitched voice while cleaning its shotgun.

Universal Furniture Contessa Executive Desk in Old World Cherry

Desk Jockey Al writes:

After the last three horrible half-desk abortions, I decided it was time to review something a bit nicer. Something that wouldn't make our eyes bleed. Something that wouldn't cause us to wake up in a cold sweat, muttering about pencil drawers. Something that cost $1900 ($1000, on sale, until December 13!) but was actually worth the cash. So, I found this: The Universal Furniture Contessa Executive Desk in Old World Cherry.

Look at this sucker. See those flowers and that wussy lamp? Yeah, that's like someone tried to defang a snake to make it cuter. No, this is a manly, raw desk, seething with unholy power, its name the only thing holding it back from utter domination of the Desk world. I look at this desk and I honestly can't see any real flaws. Maybe, just maybe, it could use a bigger drawer here and there... but then again, why would it need it? This isn't a secretary's desk. This is a boss's desk. The boss isn't going to do any filing, that's what the lower minions are for. Those are for holding land deeds, or maps of the railroad about to go through the small impoverished town. This desk is meant to intimidate those in front of it and empower those behind it. There should be a button near the pencil drawer that summons security or opens a trap door.

God, I love this desk. I love it so much. All other desks are a pale shadow, cast by this desk, which has descended from a higher order universe to grace ours. I know I can't have it- besides the money issue, it's too powerful. Power attracts the corruptible, and this desk corrupted me the moment I set eyes on it. I can't have it. I must not have it.

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:

Acceptable alternate names would be "Oil Baron's Delight", "Louisiana Purchasing Power", and "Die Bismark".

Now I'm not really the corruptible type (sure I'll pacify the indigenous population, but I'll still leave them a hefty percentage of autonomy... of sorts) but the raw power of this desk still appeals to me, the same way a pacifist can still admire a shelf full of shotguns in a sporting goods store (I did that yesterday). At first, this desk irked me by obviously making no accommodation for modern computer technology, but then I realized, why would I need a computer at this desk? If I owned this desk I would not be spending very much time working at it, why, I would be out shooting bears with my young son, of course. Or redrawing the map of southeast Asia with my teen-aged daughter. You know, basic Rich Dad Poor Dad stuff.

Machismo

DJ Al: Know what this desk reminds me of? A line from Once Upon A Time in the West. "How does it feel sitting behind that desk, Frank?" "Almost like holding a gun... only much more powerful." Too bad about the word Contessa in the name, though. -9-

DJDaniel: The proper ornamentation for this desk is a supple brunette in a green silk dress. No, she's not the secretary. She's the bodyguard. Now what we need are some locks on the drawers. -9-

Timelessness

DJAl: This is some pretty old world design, here, and it's made to last. Look at that, solid wood, solid design, drawers all over the place... if there was a gunfight, this would be the desk I'd hide behind. And once I fight off the attackers, I'll still be able to type an incident report on it. People will ask why I don't get a new desk, because this one's obviously wrecked, right? And I'd reply, "Bullets can't kill it, bullets only make it angry." -10-

DJDaniel: I could honestly imagine any billionaire happily sitting behind this desk. Bill Gates, the Google guys, that Facebook kid, the hombre who owns half of Mexico, Willy Wonka, etc. Probably whoever invents cold fusion or unifies South America in the distant future will also want a desk like this. It is indeed, timeless. -10-

Verve

DJ Al: Elegance. Charm. Sheer style. The only problem is that in order to own this desk, you have to show you deserve it first. That means top hat, waxed curly moustache, and brandy and cigars in the bottom left drawer. And the bottom right? Well, that one holds the revolver you use for hunting the most dangerous game. -9-

DJDaniel: I must agree with my colleague concerning the desk's essential problem. While it's true that I would happily stow an M1911 .45 pistol, a satchel of grenades, and a vial of holy water in the various drawers of this desk, I could not sit behind it without feeling somewhat ridiculous until I was at least fifty years old. In fact, I think the desk might actually age me if I sat behind it before it was my time. It would be like the false Holy Grail from The Last Crusade. I'm okay with aging, but not quite that fast. -8-

FINAL SCORE = 9.2/10

You have chosen... wisely. But, beware: the Desk cannot pass beyond the Great Seal, for that is the boundary, and the price, of immortality.

Sauder® Computer Armoire, Spiced Pine

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:

This is the horrifying yet tragically inevitable evolution of that crazy little hideaway desk from last time.

No, that image is not photoshopped, or staged. That is, indeed, a person's entire workstation unceremoniously crammed into a wardrobe. If I came home to this, I would only be able to assume some kind of cruel prank. Either that, or that I am now going to be checking my email in the land of Narnia.

I can't think of any rational reason that someone would do a thing like this. I don't even think I could sit down at this desk. I would be afraid of it falling over and crushing me to death as punishment for my terrible taste in furniture.

Desk Jockey Al writes:
I've seen this desk before.  Once, a long time ago, my mother's sewing cabinet was hastily converted to a desk.  This lasted for all of a week before my mom got exasperated and bought herself a new, real desk.  She learned.  Sauder, apparently, didn't.

Why?  Just... why?!  This is a disaster waiting to happen.  Again I ask the question:  why have these weird, "collapsible" desks, when they'll end up taking the same space as a normal one that doesn't fold into itself?  Get rid of the hinged doors, move around some shelves, get rid of the constricting walls, and BAM.  Instant normal desk.

The more I think about it, the more I think this is like the older, stupider brother of the hideaway desk.  Whereas the hideaway desk at least tried to pretend it was something else innocuous, you're gonna end up with this big fat armoire sitting in the middle of your office.  And, well, it's $185, compared to the hideaway desk's $120.  I might actually consider the Hideaway on days when everything is black and grim and perpetually 3 AM.  There's only one reason- one horrible, foul reason- I'd ever buy this.  First I'd paint it several bright colors complete with the words "Free Candy" on the outside, then I'd put it somewhere that some poor kid could find it and stuff my own dying body within.  And then?  Then, my spirit will await the dark results.

Machismo

DJDaniel: If your computer is in your armoire, it stands to reason that you yourself are in the closet. -1-

DJAl:  If I had known that armoire would be used as a desk, I'd have taken an axe and smashed it to pieces!  Yes, I'm resorting to using a Soup Nazi joke because Daniel already made a closet joke AND a Narnia joke.  Damn you, Daniel.  I would've given this a higher score, but, spiced pine?  Really, Sauder?  There's only one thing that can have a high machismo score with the word "spice" in its name, and I'll give you a hint:  it's not an armoire desk.  -1-

Timelessness

DJDaniel: How long do you think you could roast marshmallows over this thing once it was on fire? That's exactly how long it would remain desirable to have. -2-

DJAl:  Knock out the shelves.  Put up some hangers.  There, a decent armoire.  Until then, you'll be sick of this in the first two weeks.  -3-

Verve

DJDaniel: You know what the wrist-slitting irony of this whole thing is? Even if it didn't have the vital organs of a computer desk hastily sewn into it, the armoire would still be pretty ugly. -2-

DJAl:  Yeah, this thing would be the armoire your broke cousin buys from K-Mart.  I mean, if you look at secondary images of the thing's front, it's pretty much the most boring design imaginable.  Bonus points for trying the same thing as the Hideaway, but minus one for the ugly design.  -3-

FINAL SCORE =  2.0/10


We're not taking the armoire, and that's all there is to it! Okay?

"The Critic" - Original Story by Evan Drexler

http://storyforanotherday.wordpress.com/2010/12/02/the-critic/

A talented friend of the Desk Jockeys recently looked over our critiques and was inspired enough by our noble work to write a piece of speculative fiction about our future. I think it's really rather flattering.

Eastleigh Hide-Away Storage Desk

Desk Jockey Al writes:

... You know, what 's with half these desks we're finding lately? We kinda pick out desks randomly- when it's my turn to choose, I choose a random page number and a random desk, and look what I get. We've basically hit upon what amounts to concept albums, just with $120 desks instead of prog rock. Here we have a desk that's cunningly disguised to look like some drawers. But hit a button and bam, desk. The weird part is the inherent idea that this configuration saves space, which is kinda ridiculous. You'll need at least the space necessary to fold it out in, and if you're doing THAT, you might as well get a real, decent (and tiny) desk like the Sauder Computer Desk.

This is only really a desk, when you think about it, because OfficeMax says it's a desk. It has shelf space, but so do bookcases. It has a flat surface, but so do dressers. The only things it's got going for it, desk-wise, is A) a vague L-shape when opened and B) a place to put your laptop. Of course, that's for a given value of desk-hood. I suppose if you work at a table, it becomes a desk. Dictionary.com wouldn't lie to me... right? Right?

My main concern with it is that it's tiny and has no real places to put your legs. You'd have to pretty much sit side-saddle if you've got long legs, or just sit indian-style on your chair. I mean, that just plain can't be comfortable. Look where the printer is, too. That's just begging for back issues. "OK, just need to pick up this and- OH GOD, MY BACK!".

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:

Oh good, now the gnome living behind my washing machine has a place to download porn.

...do I really need to keep writing? I think that one sentence sums it up quite well. Just to be thorough however, this desk has three defining traits: Smallness, Secrecy, and... damn, I thought there was a third one. The point is that this desk is only useful to tiny people with things to hide. As DJAl already observed, because of the folding you can't use this thing as the end table or night stand it is disguised to be, and forget about sitting in front of it for more than 90 seconds. How are you going to explain to people that there's a tiny square table sitting in your office with a step stool in front of it and a power bar cable sticking out of one corner? Don't you think that might be just a teeeensy bit suspicious?

Machismo

DJAl: Despite the tiny size and ridiculous design, this sucker will have a high Machismo score for one main reason: anyone with at least a modest degree of handicrafting can rig this sucker up to play the James Bond theme every time you open it. That's gotta be awesome for productivity. It almost makes up for working hunched over in an uncomfortable, embarrassing position. -4-

DJDaniel: I don't know... I'm pretty sure Q would roll over in his grave/hovercraft if this thing was intended to be one of his inventions. Unless of course you also gave it a self-destruct timer. -2-

Timelessness

DJAl: There will come a time that you'll wonder why you bought this. But on the bright side, this probably would make for a decent conversation piece, or maybe a place to hide your secret files. But mostly it'll end up in the garage sale 20 years later. -3-

DJDaniel: You know, out of all the furniture in history, the ones that have secret components built in are the most likely to be preserved in museums. That has to count for something. -5-

Verve

DJAl: Crazy setup? Check. Stylish design? Not so much. Inherent soundtrack? Dananana, nanana! Nana, nanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...! -4-

DJDaniel: I think that the picture they gave us is all wrong. Instead of a printer there should be a combination safe, and instead of a laptop there should be old maps of the USSR. And on the other shelves half empty bottles of Jack Daniel's. Ugh, even then, verve? Not so much at all. -3-

FINAL SCORE = 3.5/10

Next time you want to build a secret desk, Eastleigh, don't forget the desk part.

Limble Mobile Computer Desk With Shelving, Birch

Desk Jockey Daniel writes:

Look at that thing!

It's like it was lashed together out of a bunch of cheap strollers. Seriously, fold it up, slap a couple fuzzy ducklings on it, and sell it at Babies R Us. And what's with all the tiny platforms at varying altitudes? Are we going for "work area" or "cat condo" here? Infants, kittens, this desk is clearly not inviting productivity into its user's life. Not that kittens aren't amazingly amazing, mind you. Infants are okay too.

I think what disturbs me most about this desk is the fact that it's "mobile". What a sad thing that seems. I envision an overworked housewife drifting from room to room through her cavernous suburban house, in search of a place of her own in which she can finish her online degree in dog show management. But no, the husband, the kids, and the snooty pure bred beagle keep evicting her from every empty corner, so that the locks on her desk's plastic swivel wheels must forever remain open. Keep dreaming, madam, keep dreaming.

Desk Jockey Al writes:
Dear God.  This is it, folks.  This is the... no.  No, I can't even make an amusing metaphor for this.  This is just plain awful.  There is nothing I can say here that would be even remotely tasteful.  OK, well, why not.  This is, so far, the Hindenburg of desks.

And what the heck is with the name?  Limble?  Is that supposed to make us feel like it's a nimble desk or something?  To me it just sounds like a name someone made up for a cop drama.  "Sergeant Limble!  Quick, move your desk, we need to use it to arrest the murderer hiding in the air ducts!"

On to some more technical bits.  There's only one positive thing about this sucker, and that would be the price.  By far, this is the cheapest desk we've reviewed so far, dropping in at $70- with a $20 instant rebate, which is good.  Nobody would have the balls to mail a receipt to another human being actually admitting they bought this desk.  Additionally, the site describes this sucker as having bookshelves.  Last I checked, bookshelves had backs to keep the books from falling off... you know... because this thing has 6 wheels and isn't even remotely stable?  Some of that durable steel frame is going through parts of the main desk, which will probably mean it's annoying as hell to construct.

Oh, and one last bit:  you're only limited to purchasing two!  My God, what a blow!  I'll never recover!

Machismo

DJDaniel: Two words: Fuzzy. Ducklings. Goodbye, machismo. -1-

DJAl:  Good luck looking powerful when two of those six wheels lock up, the whole thing falls apart, and you're busily sitting on the floor trying to put it together with an allen wrench and a tiny screwdriver.  -1-

Timelessness

DJDaniel: Maybe in ten years some sweaty Japanese civil engineer will use this desk to display his less favored Gundam models. That's about all the chance it's got. ATHRUN!!!! KIRA!!!! -2-

DJAl:  Or Akira models.  TETSUOOOOOOOOOO!  KANEEEEEEDAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  -1-

Verve

DJDaniel: You know, I've been mighty unkind in this critique, but I can't deny that the creator of this desk picked a fashion and carried it through all the way to its abominable conclusion. That's a stubbornness of design that I have to respect. Plus the cats will love it. -4-

DJAl:  Look, Daniel, we're buds and all, but I rather heartily disagree.  Sometimes someone needs to know when to quit.  Here I'll insert the obligatory reference to a certain mass-murdering dictator and his penchant for hating on several specific ethnic groups.  This is probably the kind of desk his scientists were trying to make right at the end of the war:  a secret superweapon aimed at the world's cubicle employees, designed out of sheer spite.  -2-

FINAL SCORE = 1.8/10


Oh, the humanity!